Your team may win, but it always seems like your wallet ends up losing. Even when you buy cheap tickets in the bleachers, you still get stuck paying $8 for a 12-ounce cup of warm beer. Alas, there’s only one solution — BYOB.
But with bag checks and pat-down security measures, bringing booze into the stadium is about as easy as designing an effective play for the Oakland Raiders’ offense. Fortunately, there are devices that have been made for this specific purpose — including the booze binoculars, the wine rack and the beer belly — but we decided to throw out a few other ways that, with a little ingenuity, will allow you get properly wasted at your next sporting event.
1. Frozen oranges. Cut the top third off of an orange and scoop out the insides (holding onto the two pieces of rind you’ve hollowed). Throw the fruit you’ve removed into a blender and add some vodka. Pour your concoction back into the orange, place the top back on, and place it in the freezer. Wrap it up in a paper towel, put it in a plastic bag and you have a sneaky screwdriver.
2. Fake Medicinal Packaging. Official-looking medicine containers and a good fake ailment are almost never questioned. Yeah, it’s tacky, but remember — so is being sober. Thick plastic bags like the type used for IVs or labeled glass containers like the ones used for insulin, can be filled with vodka, gin or other clear liquors. Another option is the fake cast, or wrapping small containers in tape and gauze around your arm or leg. If the guards go to pat you down, point out the fake wound before they get there and tell them it’s sensitive.
3. Cigarette packs. You may not smoke, but keep in mind that your standard cigarette pack is big enough to hold an airplane-size bottle of booze. Go for the Benson and Hedges 100s if you want that extra bit of room and don’t mind looking like a trailer-park grandmother.
4. CamelBak. If you like to go backpacking, there’s a good chance you have one of these already. If not, make sure to get one of the smaller, sleeker models that you can wear under your clothes. Note: best for late fall and winter sporting events.
5. Well-concealed flask. If you’ve got a hip flask just sitting in your backpack, security guards will be likely to find it pretty quickly. But you’d have to attract a lot of attention for someone to give you a thorough patdown below the belt. Just remember that if you’re taping it to your groin area, you’re going to lose some hair upon removal.
6. Frontloading. What’s the easiest way to sneak a six-pack of beer into a game? In your stomach and bloodstream, of course. Down a bunch quickly before you get to the gate, and let it wear off as the game progresses. It’s not really sneaking alcohol into the game per se, but it’ll definitely allow the first couple quarters or innings to be nearly as fun as the game’s dramatic ending.
